Solingen 93

Domestic Violence and Abuse

12 Things Harming Your Sex Life

I think it would help you to know these twelve things could be harming your sex life. *whip sound, clearing throat* Number twelve… There are two primary ways people masturbate. Rubbing their genitals with something,
like a hand or a toy, and the other, which is rubbing their genitals on something, like a bed or a pillow. In 1998, Dr. Sank published a small report about people with erectile difficulties and trouble climaxing with their partners. They were prone masturbaters, all face-down. He coined this “Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome” and hypothesized that direct pressure from humping things desensitized the genitals to other kinds of sensations. Dr. Sank’s website,, describes a solution; I’ll give you a hint… …roll over onto your back. Number eleven… Regularly I hear people say, “Yeah, they’ll always be like that.” Or “I have to accept so-and-so isn’t going to change.” Accepting people as who they are is crucial to your own health. But presuming you know who they will be based on the trajectory of their path is incredibly limiting… …to you! It strangles out any hope that things can be different. Number ten… When I have clients struggling with the monotony of a dry and predictable sex life, their fluid-bonded, they do it in the same position just for the sake of doing it, I assign them dams, gloves, and condoms for homework. And they’re like, “Yeah but, I have a vasectomy,” or “Why would use those now?” To which I explain, these aren’t just for protection. They can be ceremonial, like a gesture to designate you’re preparing for a special occasion. They can add a layer of separation between your bodies if you want to have sex, but it feels emotionally vulnerable. And they can be decorative and playful. There are all these colors, and temperatures, and textures, and ones that glow in the dark! And they can take you back to the feeling of newness and excitement like when you used them for the privilege of having sex. Condom companies in particular have worked really hard to shift your view of rubbers from STI and pregnancy prevention to sensual objects for sexual enhancement. I like this sentiment and I encourage it. Number nine… If you have tight clothing or hard seats up in your crotch for long periods of time, it can irritate the genitals, causing redness, itchiness and abrasions. Skinny jeans and bike seats are not harmful to everyone, but for some, it can really inflame the area, and can make touching it for pleasure quite unpleasurable. Number eight… Pretty simple. When you non-consensually insult somebody, it severs trust and connection. Which sets you up for all sorts of confusion in the bedroom. Plus, most put-downs these days are sexual in nature, so in addition to being mean, you’re associating sex with “bad.” For example, calling someone a “cocksucker.” It implies that fellatio is negative. And I don’t know that that’s what you want for your sex life. Number seven… How many of you have had a relationship problem, and just before calling it quits, you made an appointment with a therapist? And then you went to their nice office and got these awesome skills to do things differently and learned to hear your partner for what was really being said and it actually got better? And you told your friends you’re not sure why you waited so long? Here’s an idea. Before you even have the problem, not even at the beginning of it, but before it exists, establish a resource to help you,
so that when problems arise, which they inevitably do, you have a system in place to work through them. Cause I bet it’s very clear to all of you who don’t do this how destructive relationship issues can be to your sex life. Number six… I’ve brought this up in other videos. How drugs and alcohol, and poor nutrition, and lack of exercise really compromise your sexual health and well-being. As a reminder, unhealthy habits can lower libido, make it difficult to get up and get off, decrease penis size, and generally cause you to feel less physically fit for the sex. Number five… My recommendation is that you get tested before every new partner unless you’ve established clear boundaries for not doing that. And that you get regular exams for your boobs, balls, and… (b)aginas. As a result of not getting checked out, an estimated 90% of Americans who have genital herpes don’t know it. Which means two things. They have been and continue to spread the virus, and they’re not getting treatment for their own symptoms. Number four… Assuming anything can be a hassle, but let’s just put it in the context of these sexual health appointments. Let’s say you do seek medical care. Specifically testing between partners Most of you assume you’re getting tested for chlamydia when data shows you aren’t. Chlamydia, one of the leading causes of infertility. This relates to Number Three… This lesson will come up multiple times in your life. The sooner you learn it, the better off you’ll be, sexually and otherwise. It is not a universal ability for people to know what you are thinking or what you need. And those who might be able to do it some of the time certainly can’t do it every time. For your sake and theirs, use your words. Make your requests and set your boundaries verbally. And if there’s any confusion, try to understand by communicating, not by massaging your temples and boring holes into their skull with your eyes. You’ll get better sex when you do this because you’ll get more of what you want, rather than what someone thought you wanted. Number Two… Most of us have foreskin, like a hood, that protects penises and clits. During puberty, a clear fluid called sebum keeps this area moist and movable. But if it’s left there too long, it builds up and becomes smegma. a cottage cheese-like funky smelling goo, which very few want in their mouths or to smell with their noses. Retract the foreskin gently, clean out the smegma with warm water and mild soap, and tada! Clean genitals that are much more likely to get sexy times. Last one, potentially the gravest harm to your sex life… When access to sex education, sexual health and sexual freedom is withheld, it hurts everyone. People don’t know how to masturbate on their backs, or that condoms can prevent infection and increase pleasure. They don’t know the deep harm of slut-shaming or how and why to seek professional help. They don’t know that they’re okay being exactly the way they are and that no one should have a say over their body, We have to make sure there are honest and shame-free resources that celebrate scientific investigation and collaboration and that are available to everyone who stays curious. I know that 12 scary and impending dooms are a lot to take on. Just deal one day at a time, and stay curious. Cause I bet it is very clear to all of you who had… *blooper* …sensual objects for sexual enhancement… You really going to let me say “baginas” right now? For real, Lindsey?!

Cesar Sullivan

100 thoughts on “12 Things Harming Your Sex Life

  1. I'd like to do an episode about where people meet sex partners. If you feel comfortable sharing, please list all the places where you've met the people you've had sex with. ** And for those of you who don't have sex partners, but want them, this will become an episode for you ;o)

  2. As a guy, I find bike seats cause trouble for my butt rather than my crotch 😛
    I just got some "Body Glide" to try next time I do a long ride. I look forward to seeing how much of a difference it really makes.

  3. Hey lindsey, can people with vaginas cum without orgasiming? The only time I consistently orgasm is with clit stimulation and never because of penetration (in the lesbian way), however I can sometimes recognize my body reacting as if I've orgasmed during penetration without me really feeling the full sensation. I'm mainly curious about how the anatomy works and if having an inverted uterus has anything to do with it? Thanks!

  4. Hey Dr. Doe!

    What's your opinion on Porn Hub's new Sex Ed website?

  5. Hoping you see this. Masturbation in the prone position being harmful is a myth, and I'm surprised that you'd repeat it. The decades-old study you cited is the only one of its kind and involved a sample of only 4 men who self-reported ED and that they had masturbated in the prone position at some point in their life. There was no selection method. It's more likely that any other reports are not due to some sudden nerve damage (which would then happen during missionary sex) but due to not "mixing it up." People of all sexes can get used to a sensation or form of stimulation, and if you're rubbing against something to masturbate, you're also probably just making your skin a little raw or dry.

    That study was as Freudian nonsensical as claims that women shouldn't orgasm through their clitoris because its bad for health or not "mature." Just with the gender roles reversed.

  6. Hi Dr. Doe! Loved this video. I had a question about how to change my over-correction – at one point I decided to start making my needs and wants known more clearly in the bedroom, which was great! I felt empowered and in control and generally good. But at some point I started going overboard – and now I feel like I'm just being bossy and overly critical. How do I stop from trying to "teach" every two seconds during sex, while still trying to improve my sex life? Thanks for all your work!

  7. I'm going to take issue with #11. Actually, I don't assume that they're never going to "change their mind", but I'm not going to ask for certain sexual things unless I'm already getting hints that they're into that kinda thing. The last thing I want is for someone to be doing something they're not into just because I asked for it. I don't want them watching the clock, wondering how long they have to keep it up in order to get "full credit" for giving me this thing I asked for. It would make me feel like a self-indulgent jerk. I think it's better to move on and find someone who's into the same kinds of kink you're into. I've been with prudes and I've been with freaks, and I've gotta say that, when you find someone who (of their own volition) would gravitate to the same activities that you like, there's more of a sense of synergy and there's less worry that you're going to freak your partner out with a certain suggestion.

  8. Please men dont listened to this tips…a women asking for your medical history or sexual health is just plain wrong, a invasion of privacy, and also a HIPPA violation.

  9. Please make a video on this!! I'm trying to become more diverse in the ways I can orgasm. I want to be more receptive and open to pleasure and in the past, I've been stuck in an orgasm rut. I only just came for the first time with my knees bent.

  10. Hello Dr. Doe. I love your channel! I have learned so much. I'm curious! I would like to ask you about piercings in the genitals. Do they affect negatively for sex? For example piercings in the clitoris hood could cause damage when rubbing the vulva against your partner? Thanks.

  11. I live in one of the least sex edu accessible states.. Utah and I'm a teen so I am not getting anything but my own handjobs till I move

  12. Lmao face down masturbation… I've done it since I was a child and omg my finger nail recently has started getting bruised. I flip over now but I LOVE THIS.

  13. thanks for your insightful video Lindsey. apparently the danger of STI's is hugely exaggerated. using a motor vehicle is many times more potentially dangerous and deadly than STI's.

  14. I would like a video about learning how to talk about your wants and needs in sex and relationships. It can be very difficult since sex can be very vulnerable and sometimes you don't want to say if something doesn't feel good or if you would like something.

  15. Retract the foreskin OK.
    Clean it with warm water OK and sope WTF!
    Remember doing it and experiencing the excruciating pain.

  16. great videos you are my favorite youtuber. however waiting to see a counseler is because it feels like my "crazy" behaviors are normal because I didnt know anything different. then after I talk to someone and learn new ways to act I wonder why I didnt go in like 10 years sooner.

  17. I always masturbate face down.. I can’t ejaculate while masturbating unless I’m face down. What should I do to reverse it?

  18. Thank you, I have a bad problem. Am able to maintain erection for over two hours. My friend, can orgasm make times. I am unable to. What doctor work you recommended I see first? I am 55. Thank you in advance.

  19. OH MY GOD THANK YOU FOR THIS VIDEO!!! I’ve been masturbating face down since I was 6 and I’ve never been able to orgasm facing up… I’m so glad that I know it’s actually a THING now

  20. #13 being in a relationship with someone with whom, after 20 years you realize, is sexually incompatible with you.

  21. Isn't soap kinda bad for the sensitive parts of the penis. I've heard that soap tends to dry out your skin and this may be bad for the sensitive tissue near the head of the penis. Is that right or am I in the wrong here.

  22. Hmm, some "millennial attitude" here: Being too quick to ask someone – "seek help" – rather than doing the research, product development and testing all by yourself. Then again, you might be addressing the shy and inhibited, so that would be different.
    Keep up the good work 🙂

  23. I can't seem to find a video on kissing sounds daft but I was married and with my hubby 13 years I'm 33 he died a year and a half ago and I met a really nice understanding guy but it's like we aren't in sync and I dunno if it's cause I'm just used to hubby or nothing since he died. I dunno if it's normal it's just I've also got a bad habit of having to be drunk each time. Its been a fortnight only, we did have sex in the morning once and i was sober but it's just out of sync

  24. Please do a video on ways to prevent penile fracture & penile bending in depth ! Thank you & love your content !

  25. Bike seats actually cause numbness too if someone is an avid cyclist. Pressure on the peroneal nerves can cause numb nuts, and can last for a few days if the ride has been very long. There are more severe illnesses too, but mainly manifest themselves on more pro riders.

  26. Traumatic Masturbatory Syndrome and if it affects people with vaginas would be a good topic. The articles and treatment predominantly talk about penis-havers.

  27. 13 Religion
    I was raised as catholic, presented always that sex is sacred intimacy allowed after marriage. Masturbation is a sin
    Then, with my first girlfriend while we get the mood, the moment, pleaserauble approach while we both wanted I could not even cum because of psychological blockades and harm religion gave me. Her bj's or touch instead of raising the moment and foreplay gave me doubt and uncertainity "what we are doing is bad".
    No love and fun allowed becuse "we are sons of god". Fukc you then catholic prics, I sad, and no brainwashing by medieval pleb thinking adults is allowed near me.

    Every extreme ideologies give you disadvantages in your romance life: catholics block your healthy lust and desire, and in the opposite gender LGBTQ libertines kill your chance to enjoy the little everyday directed to praise other individual things and common reliability of honesty of your partner towards you.

  28. It would be nice to hear your opinion on the mgtow movement. I didn't realize it was a thing until recently. I suppose I was already a participant since I gave up on seeking relationships years ago due to being rejected 1000's of times. I never even hugged a woman before.

  29. I checked out the website about masturbation you mentioned in this video, and I saw some very troubling things where the person running the website essentially said "If you're over 21 and you're a virgin, there's something wrong with you," which I find to be completely insensitive and antithetical to the things you have been saying.

  30. Sorry… wearing a condom is like petting your cat with gloves on… I've worn less than a dozen in my life and I'd rather masturbate.

    While I may hate condoms… I love your channel. Educational without being clinical and personal without being vulgar.

  31. For us guy, we need to check about our testosterone level. As we age that hormone begins to decrease dramatically. It may be because of pre-diabetic conditions, etc. The problem is this, when we go to out to see your doctor. they require a blood test and urine test for PSA and they prescribe Cialis or Viagra if your testosterone level is 200 or below. the doctors prescribe Axiron a topical synthetic testosterone. It was covered by my insurance and my copay is 100. Now with Obamacare affecting my insurance benefits my copay is 342 is my testosterone is 200 or higher. What seems to be working for me is Nugenix but I am kinda suspicious about the word "proprietary ingredients". Also, every six month when i run out of Axiron, I need to back for a blood test. Your blood numbers can be harming your sex life.

  32. I'm starring to wonder how much these people really know about sex. They mean well, but .. it just seems they are wasting an opportunity to really communicate.

  33. I’m 16 and My sex life is alot especially when me and my girlfriend have alot of hormones, sometimes it causes issues. I always worry that our sex life is too much or that later on in life we’ll catch something even though we only have sex with eachother.I try to talk to her about using protection but she thinks using it is pointless. We don’t use protection. We do anal, sometimes fisting and have period sex and Cunnilingus and I think we should use protection.

  34. NICE! "Smegma"…I am a HUGE fan of the British comedy series Red Dwarf…one of the phrases they use is "smeg" (guessing in place of sh*t, f*ck, etc). I just assumed it was a made up word. Now I know…and it totally makes smeggin' sense! I'm such a smeghead sometimes. Rock on Doc!

  35. About using condoms. I've actually been getting really excited about condoms. There's so many different types and shapes and I want to try them all! Plus, I feel much more comfortable with one on, I don't have to worry about accidentally finishing inside because, hey, there's a condom there to block it, so just go for it, dude.

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